I was determined to walk into this anniversary with my head held high, my spirits lifted and feeling empowered with positive energy and good vibes. I’m strong, healthy and loved. Yet, today marks the tipping point, a moment in time marked only by me, and perhaps my sister, the knowledge that today is the day I have lived as many years with my mother as I have without. How does one comprehend and explain a lifetime of grief and yet be so content with life itself?
I've written many posts over the years on this day, and I'll write many more. They all carry a message, a meaning and a way to remember and at the same time, let go.
My journey of grief is always going to be different than yours. It will always mark moments of joy and heartache and disbelief apart from how your grief has impacted your life and your love. As I grow older, I’m fearsome of losing sight of my mother. I cannot tell you what her voice sounds like or how her touch feels, yet I would know her in a crowd of a thousand strangers. When the wind blows, I can hear her whisper my name but I’m unable to record it. I can tell you that grief is endless, it takes all shapes, it arrives when you least expect it and makes its presence known in a multitude of ways. It stays silent when you’re sure it should scream your name and you forget that you were supposed to remember. It’s only after days or weeks or sometimes even years of not remembering that it makes an appearance and you’re once again stumbling and brought to your knees.
I don’t live with grief. I live with love, joy and gratitude. Grief is a visitor that I allow in, regularly but willingly. Grief is love. It is the knowledge that something or someone was loved, is now missed. All that love, it needs to go somewhere. We need to pour it on thick somewhere else. It’s your pet, your child, your spouse, your art, your cooking. Let it flow.
If you’re grieving, you’re not alone. I won’t tell you it gets better, it does however become something different. We can decide to let it consume us, we can decide to let it mark us and define us. Let it, but don’t let it fester. Be kind to yourself, open up your heart and let that love pour out. Grief is love.
Today I send you love and joy and peace.